13 Ways
by Sibyllaa Dixgard
Summary: There are thirteen ways of wooing Sherlock. Or so John thinks.
1. Prologue

**13 WAYS**

**OF WOOING **

**SHERLOCK**

* * *

_**Okay, so here it goes, the 4th story I'm uploading, ever.  
To be honest, I somehow think this story is more than a bit shitty, but I wrote it for a friend of mine about to years back and... I don't know, I guess I'd just like to know whether others think it's as shitty as I do. (Plus, the format is kinda crap because it's in dialogue...)**_

_**That said, I don't own anything, the idea was all mine and I doubt someone would willingly pay me for this.  
Enjoy...**_

* * *

**Prologue**

John shifted his weight uncomfortably and looked up at the taller man in front of him with blank disbelieve.

J: "You want me to what?"

S: "Your hearing is perfectly alright, John."

Sherlock didn't even try to conceal his annoyance.

S: "Now go over to her and… woo that information out of her. Now." he insisted.

J: "Woo, Sherlock? Seriously? What century are you from? And how will you even know it is going to work?"

John was starting to get rather annoyed himself.

The consulting detective made a dismissive wave with his right hand.

S: "John… I am not going to discuss my choice of words with you, now!" and then he started to rattle on in the usual speed with which he always explained his deductions.

"When she walked past you just now she scanned your body, there was a short intake of breath followed by her biting her lower lip, when she reached her seat she wiped her palms on her trousers because they were sweaty. I am certain her pupils were dilated too. Do you need me to go on?" He didn't even wait for an answer.

"So will you get over to her, use some sort of… line so that I can make the necessary observations."

John walked slowly towards the bar and sat down two stools away from their suspect. She smiled at him and he tried a puzzled look.

J: "I'm sorry but... have we met somewhere before?"

M: "It might well be… But I would like to think I would remember you…" she sat down right next to him and John had to fight back the disgusted look that tried to steal itself onto his face.

J: "Maybe… we met at the job?" he suggested.

M: "Yes that might well be… I'm Mary." she extended her hand with a smile and leaned forward just a tat too much.

J: "Yes, sorry… I'm Dexter." he shook her hand with a smile in return and moved a bit closer himself.

"I'm in advertising… My last job was at Common Industries…"

M: "Hey, that's where I work. So maybe we did meet there. But… was?"

J: "Yes I had… It's partly confidential information… Let's just say the boss and I held different views on my job…"

After several more minutes of fatiguing small talk John's phone chimed and he glanced at the text with an apologetic shrug.

_- I'm bored, stop flirting, she didn't do it anyway. We're going home. SH _-

_- WE are going home? How nice of you to at least inform me. JW _-

All of the sudden, John heard an almost too familiar intake of breath right behind his left ear.

S: "Oh Dexter! There you are, you naughty one!"

He felt Sherlock's arms around his shoulders and saw that Mary's jaw dropped completely at the sight. John didn't dare to turn his head due to the proximity of the man's breath to his ear. Sherlock extended his hand over John's right shoulder.

S: "I am Rodney Smithe, and you are?"

M: "…in a terrible hurry… I'm really sorry… eh… Dexter" the woman practically ran from the bar.

John finally dared to turn his head but inwardly winced as Sherlock still hang wrapped around him.

J: "Sherlock now that was just bad."

S: "Not as bad as your pick up line. You complain about my choice of words and then utter things like that."

J: "Like what?"

John turned around to face the man that had finally let go of him and was now leaning against the bar, an indefinable look on his face.

S: "'Have we met somewhere before?' The flatness is appalling and… But well, why would I complain, it is just another one of those distasteful things people seem to enjoy to start… something."

J: "Distasteful? Pick up lines are not distasteful, they can be quite… charming."

S: "Charming? In what ever way would it be charming to hear people go on about accidental things which are so plain obvious that it hurts? It would be far more charming if people simply stated their intents and be done with it."

John grinned inwardly. This was getting interesting.

J: "Because sometimes seduction is far more appealing than deduction Sherlock."

John's inner grin now spread to his whole face.

S: "Oh please John. These lines are so transparent which is obviously the whole problem. You see someone and know if you are interested in them and see if they share that feeling. Then you 'make your move'. If you have to abuse our language to get someone to like you then that person is not worth it."

J: "God, Sherlock." the doctor shook his head with disbelieve. "Flirting can be just nice… Although pick up lines can be rather dull sometimes, it can also be fun, being… wooed, you know." He got up and smiled. "I think I'll have to prove it to you or you won't believe it, hm?" With that he walked out of the bar.


	2. Chapter 1

**I**

A few days had passed since their conversation at the bar.

Sherlock was already on the verge of filing it into the 'John-memories' section of his brain when John practically ran down the stairs one morning, just to stop right in front of Sherlock, a big smile all across the doctor's face.

J: "So, how am I doing?"

Sherlock just glanced at John with one eye before quickly answering.

S: "You had a nightmare which is why you are a bit tired… But you do not want to talk about it. Which is why you are acting so childishly gleeful I assume? It was not war-related this time, might I add."

John sighed loudly, then again and it sounded remarkably like 'Oh god Sherlock'. He shook his head and laughed.

S: "What?" Sherlock sat up straight and started to read John's expression.

"I WAS right about the nightmare."

J: "Oh yes, oh yes, yes." The doctor still hadn't fully recovered from laughing so hard.

"Oh yes you were right, it's just that… Oh Sherlock, I should have known what you were going to say."

S: "Then why did you ask me in the first place?"

Now the detective was pouting, arms crossed over his chest.

J: "Well, at least it worked in some way; got you talking. See Sherlock, it was a line. Remember how we were at the bar and…"

S: "Yes of course." he snapped and was now fully sulking.

"Why wouldn't I remember? And, just because I did not go along with your silly line you do not have to be so ridiculous as to…"

J: "Hey!"

He was cut short in his tirade when John fell onto the sofa right next to him and nudged him a little, still laughing quietly.

"I'm not laughing at your expense. But you have to admit it's funny in a way."

S: "No." he said stubbornly, still he couldn't help but chuckle a bit.

Eventually John took off for work and Sherlock stayed on the couch still wondering what John actually had been trying to prove.


	3. Chapter 2

**II**

The next morning, when John came down the stairs with the exact same smile on his face he had worn the previous morning Sherlock prepared himself to continue what he had decided to call John's own little 'experiment'.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" John burst out.

Sherlock suppressed a smirk.

S: "The answer should be obvious to you since we live together."

John's grin grew even wider and finally he managed to get out a giggly "Want one then?"

S: "Oh John…"

Sherlock looked the man in front of him straight in the eye, pouting ever so slightly.

John looked puzzled for a moment and gulped audibly before forcing his smile back on.

J: "What? No witty remarks here? Sherlock you disappoint me."

S: "You know how I told you that wasn't my area."

J: "God! It's a joke Sherlock!"

This morning John was the one sulking and he even left without drinking his breakfast cuppa.  
Sherlock remained on the couch and when John shut the door close behind him he winked at the skull on the mantelpiece and laughed quietly to himself.


	4. Chapter 3

**III**

When John had gotten home he had been in a better mood then when he left so Sherlock was sure he would be getting another line that day.

He started working on his most recent experiment to pass the time until John woke up. He had decided he was going to wait and see how long John would keep it up. Apparently John wanted to prove that there were in fact some good pick up lines by confronting Sherlock with one every morning.

It could be an interesting game.

When John came down the stairs he stood in front of the kitchen table, that ridiculous grin plastered to his face again.

J: "Interested in conducting an experiment?"

Sherlock didn't even bother to lift his gaze from the pipette he was holding.

S: "Obvious, but go on."

J: "We should try to get Mrs. Hudson to call the police because of disturbance of the peace."

Sherlock knew without looking that John was leaning against the counter and that his face showed how content he was with today's line.

S: "Mrs. Hudson would never call the police for that. You should know that she would in fact be very content because we would finally be living up to her expectations."

John looked startled for a moment then burst out into laughter. He almost couldn't hold himself upright.

S: "What? You know, it is true John."

J: "Oh god, I won't be getting rid of that image so easily… Mrs. Hudson as a voyeur is really not something I wanted to think about."

S: "If that is the part of the story that upsets you John… Well, gotta dash. Lestrade called earlier and he should be upset enough by now."

J: "Want me to call in sick and tag along?"

Sherlock was already in his coat and half out the door when he turned around one more time.

S: "Whilst that would be very nice I can assure you your assistance won't be needed. If Lestrade opened his eyes for once he would see that the killer is the neighbour. But I'm afraid he won't believe me unless I at least take a look at the corpse… Boring really."

John just shrugged and started to get the kettle ready.


	5. Chapter 4

**IV**

When John woke up the next morning and came down into the living room he was not sure whether Sherlock was still working on his experiment and hadn't gone to bed at all or if he just was up already.

But that didn't matter because last night he had done some research and thought that today's line was a rather good one. And it was bound to extract an interesting reaction from Sherlock, of that the good army doctor was sure.

J: "You dropped something!"

S: "WHAT?" for once shock could be heard in the consulting detective's voice.

"No I did not. If I had there would now be a hole in our kitchen table John!"

John shook his head ever so slightly and rolled his eyes.

J: "Sherlock, if you keep ruining my lines this is just not fun. So. Once again: You dropped something."

S: "Oh, what John?" his tone was mocking but John could easily detect the smirk he was trying to hold down.

J: "My jaw." he even dared to wink, then turned around to put the kettle on.

"Now go on with your… What is that anyway? Wait. Don't tell me."

During the day when John was at work Sherlock took John's laptop – nothing out of the ordinary with that – and checked John's most recent searches on Google. As he had thought he found that John had done a lot of research on innovative and creative pick up lines. However he did not want to investigate further as, for once, not knowing what John would come up with next pleased him. That was rather peculiar. Usually he hated not knowing something and he was not content until every single last puzzle piece fit into place. That definitely was something he needed to think about.

So Sherlock spent the day on the couch, trying to figure out what John must have been thinking when he started this whole… episode.

At the bar Sherlock had noticed that John had been uncomfortable with his possessive behaviour to drive Mary away. He had figured that John really had been uncomfortable with their proximity but now that he started to think about it all again he was almost sure there must have been something else to it. John obviously had not liked the girl and usually had no problem whenever Sherlock invaded his private space.

The proper genius shook the issue off and tried to focus on solely being bored. With John around he had not had time to do that in quite a while.


	6. Chapter 5

**V**

Since he had started his little project John now looked forward to getting up the next morning every evening when he went to bed. This time even more so as he wanted to extract some information from Sherlock he had wanted for quite some time now.

When he walked up to his flatmate who was again lounging on the couch and could apparently not be bothered to get up John was anxious to get an answer.

He looked Sherlock deep in the eye.

J: "The only thing your eyes haven't told me yet is your middle name."

'And although I know it's irrationate I feel I should know it.' he added in his mind.

Sherlock didn't even blink; he simply cocked his head a little.

S: "That is because I do not have one."

J: "But… I thought… Mycroft has a middle name!"

S: "Yes John, how nice of you to remember. However my mother felt that one name was enough for me. Do you want to suggest she was wrong by the way you are gawping?"

J: "No… not at all… I would have just figured… Well Harry has a middle name too, you see. And I always thought parents did this all-in or all-out thing with their children's middle names… Oh, never mind then."

S: "There is no need to blush John. It is all fine. How nice of you, by the way, to alter the line solely to extract this little piece of information. Should I feel honoured now?"

It was again a morning without tea. John left the flat in such a hurry that he even forgot his scarf.


	7. Chapter 6

**VI**

J: "Hi, my name is John, how do you like me so far?"

S: "I let you move in with me and bring you along to my work. What does that tell you?"

J: "Yeah, right, nice Sherlock. At least you're always giving me an answer, that's more than I had imagined."

S: "So why did you start it then?"

J: "Sherlock, you know everything, I get it. No need to make fun of me."

S: "No John, I'm serious. What did you think? You want me to like pick up lines. What is the purpose? How long will you be going on with this? Do you expect me to like one of those lines? And what do you think I am going to do then?"

J: "I… Sherlock I need to go to work. Deduce whatever you like about it, I mean that. But you know you can come up with an answer for yourself so do it already, you don't have to make me explain everything to you, right?"

Truth was, John didn't even know the answers to Sherlock's questions and was fairly certain that he had just proven that point to him.

It would be another one of those days without work for either one of them and John just wanted to go right back up into his room to hide from Sherlock's analyzing stare.

It was another thing to which did not know an answer. Whenever he felt that Sherlock was picking him apart piece by piece lately he just wanted him to stop. That was new because before John had had no problem whatsoever even with the most intimate deductions Sherlock could make about him; in fact he had been rather fond of the fact that there was someone who understood him perfectly without him having to explain everything.

Sherlock was someone very peculiar but his brilliance had a huge impact on John. He felt that…

S: "Is there any point in your staring? Otherwise I would love a cup of tea."

Yes, it would most definitely be one of those days at 221B.

With a sigh John went into the kitchen and was relieved not to be around his flatmate for a couple of minutes.


	8. Chapter 7

**VII**

John climbed down the stairs slightly unnerved by the fact that there were coming noises of boiling water and dishes from the kitchen. He knew Mrs. Hudson was away for the weekend and the thought of Sherlock cooking something, with something clearly being one of his experiments, was really not a comforting one. Last time had involved horse blood and stitches to Sherlock's elbow.

However when John entered the kitchen Sherlock was doing anything but what John had expected.

There was toast, marmalade, the kitchen table was for once not covered in human body parts, text books and Petri dishes and Sherlock was just pouring tea.

J: "Did I… miss something? Is the Queen coming over for breakfast; or your mother?"

S: "Well, good morning to you too John. In fact there is no one but you and me for breakfast. Meaning actually there is just you for breakfast. Can I not decide to simply make my flatmate some breakfast?"

J: "Stop saying breakfast! And um… thank you I guess? Gosh, that really looks nice. Thank you Sherlock."

After they had sat down and John had gotten Sherlock to even eat one slice of toast the man leaned back and started eyeing John cautiously. After a little while he finally broke the silence.

S: "So is there no line then this morning?"

J: "Oh right. That's why you were… I get it. Well, it would have been: 'Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.'"

S: "Well, since I already made you breakfast there is obviously no need for that anymore, right?"

And with that he got up and was out of the kitchen.

It was not until later that day when John finally understood what the 'breakfast-business' had been all about.

He logged onto his blog and after he had posted a new entry the first – and prompt – comment came from Mike Stamford.

_- Hi John! How's living with Sherlock Holmes for two years been treating you? Sort of an anniversary today then, I guess. Should I consider myself matchmaker? But I guess Sherlock doesn't know anyway, right? -_

John sat there and stared at the screen and all of the sudden it all made terrible sense. Sherlock had made him breakfast because they now had been living together for two years and he hadn't noticed. But even more important, Sherlock had noticed.

That was a… development.

Had he just found answers to Sherlock's questions of the previous morning?

He made a mental note to try something slightly… different the next day.


	9. Chapter 8

**VIII**

J: "If you're naughty, go to your room. If you want to be naughty, go to mine."

He said it with the most innocent smile but inwardly it spread into a pleased grin when Sherlock's head whipped around in surprise.

S: "Oh that is more like what I meant."

J: "What you meant? When?"

S: "I told you it's useless to pamper each other up; it is simpler to state what you want."

J: "So… what does that mean then? Have I 'won' or something?"

S: "I did not say this was a contest John. Nonetheless I did not say that it was something that would launch off… I simply said you are moving towards the right direction."

J: "And the right direction would be…?"

Sherlock's phone chimed and he grinned.

S: "We are going out. There is a case. This is going to be fun, I promise."


	10. Chapter 9

**IX**

When he had done his research John had neglected the line but now that Sherlock had practically asked for it...

John was still a little unsure about the whole thing because after all, it was Sherlock he was dealing with but at least he finally knew for sure what he wanted as a result.

J: "Gosh, that is a rather nice set of legs, when do they open?"

S: "Take your mind out of the gutter please, John."

When John left the flat he was certain that he had detected a quite unusual smile playing at the corners of Sherlock's mouth. He liked receiving compliments that was sure.

Sherlock went for a little walk later that day and he found himself smiling a lot.

Whether John had noticed his reaction or not he was not sure but at least things were finally moving in a direction he approved of.


	11. Chapter 10

**X**

J: "If I were to ask you for sex, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?"

S: "Oh what a nice little trick. I see you are no longer trying to be subtle?"

J: "Talking about subtle. I am sorry I didn't know Sherlock."

S: "What?"

J: "Oh don't play that with me. You know I mean our… Well that we've been living together for two years. I didn't know and I want to apologise."

S: "I does not matter to me John. It is all just…"

J: "If you are going to say transport I kill you."

S: "Oh I see, you also did research on poor jokes?"

J: "Do accept it?"

S: "What?"

J: "My apology Sherlock! God, don't do that!"

S: "Yes John, thank you very much; even if it really was not needed."

John knew better, he had seen how Sherlock's face had lit up.

S: "It pleased you that I remembered, didn't it?"

J: "Well… It's nice when for once you notice things…"

S: "I notice everything John."

J: "Yes, and usually it's about corpses."


	12. Chapter 11

**XI**

John walked right into the kitchen and immediately felt Sherlock's stare bore into his backside.

When he turned around and came right back Sherlock frowned.

J: "Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?"

S: "That does not work with us, you know that? You should try to be a bit more creative John."

Apparently John had not noticed what Sherlock wanted him to. What a shame.

J: "Oh well, is it to late to ask that after two years?"

John grinned and Sherlock liked it. That was a good line then.

Both men left the flat to see Lestrade after John had had his tea and it promised to be a good day.

There was a new case, Sherlock was excited and John was excited that Sherlock was.


	13. Chapter 12

**XII**

The next morning was a late one for John since they had been chasing the killer through the narrow alleyways of London until late that night.

Sherlock was still up, the adrenaline just washing off.

The doctor was still a little sleepy when he patted down the stairs but shot his flatmate a smile nonetheless.

It occurred to him when he put the third spoonful of sugar into Sherlock's teacup.

J: "You seem like a sweet person. Mind if I lick you to find out?"

S: "How I take my tea has nothing to do with my skin John. If you lick me you will find out that I taste not different from anyone else."

J: "Was that just… an invitation? Sherlock? Hey don't walk out on me!"

S: "Lestrade wants his paperwork done John. See you tonight."

John could not concentrate all day long.

That was when he made the decision it was time.


	14. Chapter 13

**XIII**

J: "Wow, your eyes are so blue; they look just like a swimming pool."

Sherlock's head whipped around at the words. Just what John had hoped for.

"They make me want to… strip and jump right in."

S: "Well, you should know what I think about you, taking your clothes off in combination with swimming pools John."

J: "What? You hope no one is there to witness it?"

He had to laugh; Sherlock's eyes were wide with amazement. He definitely had not expected that, John could tell.

Sherlock just turned and headed towards his bedroom. His laughter was fading when he reached the door.

J: "What Sherlock? What is it with me and swimming pools? Oh come on!"

S: "You just said it John."

Sherlock had turned back around.

J: "Oh that is just not true… Sherlock…"

That was a bit not good… unless…

S: "What are you doing?"

He stood right in front of Sherlock and smiled.

J: "I think I just found the perfect pick up line for you. That's all."

S: "Oh really and how would that go?"

John simply smiled and leant forward a bit more, almost touching Sherlock's hands with his own.

J: "Just like I thought. And just like you said by the way."

S: "What did I say?"

He took a step back and grinned.

J: "'There was a sharp intake of breath' followed by you biting your lower lip, your pupils are dilated. I bet your palms are sweaty too. Do you need me to go…"

He couldn't finish his – well really Sherlock's – sentence because the man himself had reached out for John and was now kissing him for all he was worth.

John simply smiled against the other's lips.

J: "So, I guess that's how you want to be 'wooed' then?"

S: "Oh shut up."

J: "Make me."

John felt Sherlock laugh when he finally opened the door.


	15. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

J: "How did I get here Sherlock?"

It was the next morning and Sherlock frowned when he looked down at the man in his arms.

S: "What?"

J: "All the time I thought I was manipulating you… but come to think of it, might it be that this is what you wanted me to want in the first place!?"

S: "Sorry, I handed my brain in last night. Thus I can not answer any long questions."

J: "Oh, can that be counted as a victory then Mister Holmes?"

S: "I already told you this was no contest."

J: "But I won?"

S: "We both won, I guess… But in a sense, you won, yes."

J: "Great. How?"

S: "I am going to miss that much attention every morning."

J: "Oh and what do you call this then?"

He got no answer to it but apparently Sherlock had received the message since he was kissing him again.

* * *

_**Thanks everyone who stuck around this long, I'd really love to hear what you think of this story, constructive criticism is of course always most welcome.**_

_**Okay, cheers, til next time!**_


End file.
